Thursday, October 26, 2006 | 3:44 am

sighz

she tinks im doin fine. far frm it actuali. if dis blog were 100% my true feelings, i dun tink anyone would wanna read it, cos it'll be reali angsty, or even very offensive. but yeah, since she commented, n u guys asked, i'll update on how im doing.

right now, im tryin to rush out e mani physics pracs i owe. dere was a mess of papers left after my final exams, which i wanted to clear myself, but my dad took e liberty to, and in e process disposing of random scraps of papers on which i wrote my practical results on. how great. im so screwed. wad to do, fakin results is an option, e prob is i dun even now how e results shuld look lyk. another option is to juz fail e prac, which is i tink wad im planning to do. unless e physics teacher is kind enuff next yr. sighz, im screwing up ib.

my lyfe has nv been e same after dat incident. i somehow lost faith in being a nice guy. i dun wanna blame u 4 it, its my fault, but all e same, i've lost faith in being a nice guy, n its hard to make myself do it now, in some ways, it hurts when i try. i just keep gettin reminded of old memories. in fact, i actuali sorta reverted to e asshole i once was, e despo/flirt of long ago which i vowed nv to be. i noe, u guys r disappointed in mi, so m i, but im tryin ok? thank God dat those gals i asked out mainly rejected mi or were bz. i wouldnt haf been true or even half as sincere.

to all my Christian frens especially jason hu juz converted, jason, plz dun take mi as ur example, at least not now. i've backslided, but im clawing my way baq up, wif support frm my close church frens. dun worrie, i'll get baq on my 2 feet, wif His help. reali has been a see-saw of backsliding and going baq to him and backsliding n goin baq to him. i hope it stops b4 i go crazy.

weiyuan read out a description of e symptoms of depression dat he had been researchin online n told mi he had it. i told him dat he missed out 2, whereas i fulfilled everything, n would be more likely to be diagnosed wif it den him if both of us went to see a shrink. i hope he does not do anything stupid. im sorry bro, but i cant be dere 4 u now, im struggling wif so mani problems im on e verge of cracking anytime, n i haf for no reason at all, sorry.

i wish i was not self destructive, but it seems i can be a walkin time bomb. im sorry to all, i noe some of u pple haf seen mi self destruct, n yet still stood by mi n help mi baq up. and i reali, frm e bottom of my heart, appreciate it. i appreciate it when u 2, tim wee n xh din mind mi being a 100 watt lightbulb one gloomy thurs afternoon. thx, even if u dun noe it, it kinda cheered mi up a lill. thx to e same 2 plus kh and gab for goin bowlin durin e first wk of depression, reali helped. thx 4 kh n gab whom i can always poke fun at. thx evan 4 e advice once again. n yeah for e vivocity trip. thx jason 4 still trustin mi n tellin mi ur probs, n yeah, 4 dat outing :p it was fun la, though mi n evan turned up quite late (sowie abt dat!).

i wish things would be different, i still cant 4get u. i noe i needa move on, everyone tells me to. i reali dunno wad to do. i cant decide wad to do. plz dun go makin e decision 4 mi. trust mi, it'll do no gd 4 e both of us. lemme distract myself wif stuff 4 awhile n tink in my free time, n hopefully i'll noe wad to do.

livin on e 16th story's reali tempting. dun worrie, esp to my moms, not yet at least. rite now e cool wind's juz refreshing as it is depressing, n e nice starry sky which is slowly returning.

irony. i used to love e nite sky when i was young, stars n all. heck, i wanted to be in space or on earth lookin thru one of those big telescopes at e stars n e dazzlingly beautiful nebulae. i recall my childhood where i had a huge poster showing e orion nebula. reali reali amazing. e sky, hope. rite. i still rmb e time at east coast wif u jie when i was tired n lied down n looked up at e sky, n all i could see were stars, no pple, no nth. n i suddenly wished real badly dat u were dere beside mi, watchin wif mi. i guess dat can remain a dream.

to wy, cyril, keegan, louis, nicholson, n e rest of e gang, lol, i dunno how far e stuff has spreaded, sowie to disappoint, but, rite now, im not in e rite state of mind to go after her. give mi time, i'll gladly buy it, i noe im short on it, but yeah dun worrie, if it was meant to be, i guess real screwed up stuff has to happen to prevent it frm happening. but yeah, i shuld not meet her now, or in e near future, not when im lyk dat.

n yeah, e feeling sucked when she couldnt recall dat tues nite on e last wk of june. i guess i musta changed so much she totali 4got hu i m. wy, plz dun go arnd tellin pple im a chess player? lol, she was lyk 'yarrite, (turning to me) u play chess???' lol. felt weird. i dunno, wad do most pple tink of chessers? we're not nerds or geeks or anything actuali, juz a close bunch hu love doing fun stuff, lyk wad most pple do, lyk goin to bowling alleys wif custom made 16 pound balls wearin our team singapore jackets dat we got frm chess n start bowlin lyk s*** disgracing e name of e team singapore bowlers most pple assumed us to be. except wy off course hu nv fails to strike wif a bang. i still rmb we all made dat last pin drop by synchronizing our jump. quite surprising dat e vibrations were large enuff to cause it to drop. i guess e combined weight of wy, cyril, jason, evan n mi was quite large.

sighz, she juz came online. dat reminds mi, i've physics pracs to rush. update abt e saf trip ytd l8r if i haf time. meanwhile dun worrie too much 4 mi, juz keep mi in ur prayers.

cutefish