Saturday, October 21, 2006 | 12:56 am

thoughts

yepp, i promised to update, n yes i will. but firstly, i've some pple to thank. Thank you zilin 4 helping mi wif my tagboard even when i was buggin u so late in e nite! Thanks angie 4 helping mi wif e blog template n all e simple n mundane stuff (i reali sux at dis), even though u were bz n it was ur A lvls! love ya! *hugs* n yeah, thanks to all well wishers n friends. especially those who were so supportive and willing to listen when i was feeling reali reali down. all of u were dere 4 mi, frm those late late nite calls, lyk amy hu always manages to change e subject (i still tink dat u're a high maintanence gal to kim :p) and make mi seem e victim (dere's nth wrong in dat, seriously, u'ld make a gd defence lawyer!), angie hu takes time off to tok on e fone n email mi aside frm her own personal probs, dawn, aso another A lvl jie hu took time off to pei wo when i was damn depressed juz b4 my exams to meet up wif mi n hear mi out, to my bros jason whom i can always wack in skool whenever i sae hi (lol, he nv fails to get wacked first, though subsequently i always come off worse overall) n chat wif him in skool or online, evan hus aso dere, dispenses reali gd advice some of which i unfortunately cant stomach though bro, u're rite la, n if i had listened to u i wouldnt get into wad i m in now, and whom can make a joke in e most unlikely situation (lyk dat nite when u made dat joke in dat mass conversation which reali cheered mi up a hell lot), to tim wee hu stayed up wif mi till 3am n listened, n off course watched while i vented out my frustrations and anger at myself on very, very, very (might i emphasize extremely?) unfortunate pple hu play chess online n hu unknowingly become victims of my sadistic side. ok, louis chong told mi to blog abt my love lyfe, which is veh veh complicated, those of u guys hu read e shared guy's blog u noe abt it, its reali reali screwed up, but i'll only blog abt recent events la. so here's it.

to the girl. someone i loved and still love. no i wun put a fullstop to our relationship our friendship. im sorry for dat nite when i hinted strongly dat i din wanna even noe u anymore. i wished i nv made dat mistake. u were a big part of my lyfe. i nv knew i could haf such a serious crush on a gal i got to noe over e fone by tokin every nite to her. u told mi everything. and in e end, i did admit everything. u influenced mi so much dat i gave up all my other love pursuits n juz focused on one, u, sth which i've nv done in a long long time, probably because either i din reali noe e person, or because i was influenced by e environment (yes u guys noe hu u r, those dat influenced mi... i quote frm a certain joker 'dun juz ask one out la, sms all e gals in ur fonebook! den wait for dem to reply n select e one u wanna go out wif e most...' etc. fyi, no, i din take his advice on dat, i juz asked onli her out, n guess wad, it worked). i've nv met a gal hu touched my lyfe in such a great way. im sorry, i tried my best to be dere 4 u, to love you, to care for you. to my frens, e rest of e story u guys shuld noe, i shant elaborate any further except to draw dis analogy dat:

our relationship was like a plane of glass, beautiful, sparkles in e sunshine or starlight (u love stars, so do i, i still rmb). sighz, however, as we each carried one side of e glass, we din coordinate well, n i misunderstood you, u misunderstood mi, we almost dropped it a couple of times. however im sorry 4 in e end dropping my side.

it shattered into a million pieces right before your eyes.

you however, still hoped, and stooped down to pick it up while i watched frm e side. your hands were bleeding from the cuts from the small pieces of glass which you were trying to piece together. I only made it worse by not helping. you were doing it alone. I'm sorry.

when you gave up and walked away, dats when i realized how much you meant to me. im sorry i din cherish our friendship. im sorry i let u pick up e pieces alone. im sorry for letting you hurt even more, even when you urself could have walked away frm it any moment, u chose to endure it 4 a while. it was painful.

im sorry.

now im still picking up the pieces, hoping to piece it baq. it is lonely. it hurts. but i dont wanna leave it dat way. it is my fault, i destroyed something so beautiful. im sorry.

4give mi? let me bandage your wounds, n we'll piece together this friendship again. i still wanna break the record of 9 hrs str talking to you, to watch e stars every nite and whine when e clouds r too thick, to watch e sunrise, n to hear ur troubles and ur hurts.

and one more thing. this applies to all u guys hu r reading this too. i'ld lyk to apologize sincerely for sometimes neglecting u guys, pang sei-ing you guys etc. in tryin my best to be a 'nice guy', i 4got dat i was often overlooking dis big big fact. the truth is, i'll nv become a nice guy if i dont know how to treasure my friends properly first. off course i tried n believe mi i do treasure it to somewhat an extent. but its adversity lyk dis dat made me realize juz how impt u guys r n yeah, juz wanna thx u guys 4 being there for me.

im sorrie dearie.

your friend always,
cutefish