Wednesday, September 12, 2007 | 11:48 pm

some serious tots

okie, im baq! yay~ prelims aside, (actuali i've not reali been treating it lyk prelims, instead i've been half mugging for e papers, n half wacking it, lyk a practise paper), along wif all e exam stress n tyco-ness (i saved 5 marks in my chem paper by guessing e formula of some substance we're supposed to find n working on frm dere, was reali reali lucky, but well, it onli proves dat e qns cant deviate much frm wad i've seen 4 mi to guess it so easily), i've been doing some thinking.

esp after starting on dis jap drama (yes, another jap drama... yes, i noe im crazy, esp during prelims, fyi i started watchin it e dae b4 prelims started n now im on e 5th episode :P) called 'proposal daisakusen'. its reali interesting, n toks abt how dis guy attends his childhood fren's wedding, onli to be filled wif immense regret during e process, cos he loves her. alot. n yepp, as it turns out, dere's some fairy in e church where e wedding's held hu allows him to go baq in time to juz b4 e fotos on e sildeshow presentation were taken, in order for him to somehow suay her heart. its reali touching.

esp at e start of epi 1, where e fairy quoted frm oscar wilde: A woman desires to be a man's first lover, but a man desires to be a woman's final lover. i found dis quote reali deep, cos its quite true, men by nature often do not noe wad dey want, n onli find out l8r, most of e time too late, for them to achieve happiness. sighz. so though a man desires to be a woman's final lover, dey usuali find out which woman dat is, n onli when its too late.

i dunno, but, okie, i've been tinkin of dis dilemma for a long time. cos everytime when i lyk dis gal, n in e end find out she lyks somebody else or even gets attached to dat somebody, i immediately give up, n find someone else l8r. but some pple view it as sorta insincerity. okie, e thing is, my way of tinking is, if she's happie wif e guy, as long as she's happie wif e guy, dats all dat matters, isnt it? i mean, dude, im sure u noe how a gal's smile can warm a cold rainy dae better den a 100 watt heater, rite? plus e fact dat e guy can give her happiness, y wuld somebody wanna spoil it? okie, unless u tink u can give her more happiness den e guy, which i highly doubt i can. i mean, dude, i haf my faults, i noe my faults, i dunno e guy's faults, but e fact dat e gal wuld overlook dem means dat he probably is gd at heart, rite? he's a gd guy. so yepp, i dunno. i guess my whole life i grew up feeling a lill unworthy. mebbe more. i nv said dis or admitted dis b4, but i felt dat way when i went out wif t, even as frens. i kept tinkin dat e pple on e street wuld be tinking: my, wads a great gal lyk dis doing wif a guy lyk THAT? or sth. but still, i'll nv 4get e 1st time we walked down orchard road n juz started chatting after e usual awkwardness was dissipated, cos for once, juz for once, i got to be myself. i tink it was arnd e borders area, where we were visiting her old job exp place. dat will be a memory, a feeling i'll always cherish. esp her smile when i told her a joke, or was so awed by e fact dat she could run in heels, which she demo-ed, running across a junction.

ok baq to e argument. okie some gals might criticize mi saying y m i so insincere, n dat if i reali lyked e gal, to go all e way for her. dey might aso sae gals wuld onli date guys hu're reali serious abt dem n wun give up so easily. but e fact is,

urgh, i dunno wad to sae. i guess e fact is, n im not trying to be noble or anything, she's happy. i guess dats abt it. isnt it? dere's no pt changing it. in e drama in epi 3, he coulda ended e wedding when he went baq in one of e fotos by juz totali ruining e other guy's life n e gal's impression of him, as it was revealed, it was in fact him dat changed her n e whole high skool's class' opinion of e groom, n him dat brought e gal n e groom together. but he din do it. a gal's happiness, is a choice for her to make, dere's no way u can force it. u can onli try to give her dat happiness, but after she's made dat choice, u cant do anything more.

i dunno. i've nv fought for anything, not in chess, not in fencing. dats probably e reason y i onli won 1 individual tournament in chess, my whole lyfe. ironically dat turned out to be one of e hardest tournaments to win, wif onli jason goh and evan yeo not playing in it, but dere was some tough competition frm e lyks of wei long, gabriel, kia hua, joash ee, etc. but i nv reali fought for e win. i even won e last round, n e whole tourney, wif a draw. so, does fighting for sth, make one worthy?

okie fine, i did try, a lill. n yes, mi givin e rose was more outta sincerity n probably a touch of naiveness den anything to do wif bragging rites or stuff afterwards. i dunno. i've always lyked roses. learnt to draw dem in sec 2 myself for an art piece i was working on (we had to work on a art piece throughout e yr and wer graded on it, lyk actual grades lehz). even painted a pic of one in sec 3. i feel e rose, more den any flower, is not an expression of intense passion, or beauty, but hope n sincerity. b4 i knew her, i nv hoped for much, nv wanted to be a better person. but, when i got to noe her, i hoped, i dreamed, n i wanted to change. alas, e change was too slow.

nah, for now, i'll try to iron out my own faults, den i'll start out again. e faults r juz too glaring. esp reali recently, after seeing a reali gd fren of mine's long and strong rela crash due to his faults, and all i could do was stand n watch. it is a horrible feeling, watching ur fren exp heartbreak, but not being able to comfort him, as it was his fault, how do u comfort one when it is his fault? i dont know.

when i become a better person, i'll start again. n i'll be e best bf ever. hontoni sugoii des-io!

cutefish