Saturday, November 10, 2007 | 1:29 am

i really dont know...

b4 u read dis post, juz a warning, dis is gonna be an emo one, so 4 those of u takin ur exams, dun read dis, its 4 ur benefit, trust mi.

i've been doing lotsa tinking lately, some of which, yeah, was in e exam hall, some of which were totally not related to exams and results, and some of which are semi-related to it. but after watching dis 4th last episode of 'the magicians of love' on channel U every fri nite (from 1130pm to 130am, its a must watch!!!), i dunno, is love selfish or unselfish? ok lemme jump baq a few daes ago n elaborate on how dis qn invariably popped up in my head again. i heard e song 'superwoman' by cao ge, aso known by his eng name as gary (he's a chi pop artiste), as the song was playing on e radio, n yeah, i felt e lyrics were meaningful, so i decided to find e mv on youtube. i did, n yeah, to cut e long story short, it was abt dis woman hus loved her man n been wif him for a long time in dis relationship, but one dae juz felt lyk running away, as she felt he din love her. so yeah, in e end, she came baq, out of her own accord, albeit emotionally battered, but yeah, at e door, she told e guy she still loves him, e guy said he loves her, but she then asked dis haunting qn 'ni dao di shi bu shi ai wo, hai shi ai zhi zi?' (loosely translated, do u love me, or do u love yourself) here i interpreted it to mean whether his love for her is selfish, for himself, or whether he genuinely loves her. so i tot, hmmm, love's unselfish?

but yeah, baq to todae, in dis epi of the magicians of love, rite at e end, e grandma of ya si asked him to play rugby wif him (yes i noe, grandma playing rugby, ftw?!?) and yeah, though dat 2-a-side match was comical to watch, at e end, e grandma told him any idiot could see he was letting her win, at which ya si admitted dat he even allowed his younger bro to win in e past (when his younger bro was still alive). however, his grandma brought it up dat dats y he's always letting other people before him, sacrificing himself. his grandma den stated dat love's selfish. so yepp, i reali dunno, is it, or is it not?

sighz, some pple may tink, whether selfish or not, it doesnt reali matter. i dunno, but i tink it does. urgh. though im not as selfless as ya si in e show, often times i let pple have their way first, cos i reali dun haf much confidence in myself, if i do haf any, at all. seriously, i nv did. dats y e whole thing abt chasing t, it was as if it was a dream. time and time again i doubted myself. u guys were e ones dat pushed mi. rmb dat nite? if left alone, i reali wouldnt haf gave her the rose. seriously, i've always felt dat any gal wuld be better wif some other more perfect guy, wuld be happier.

n e irony is dat i've always been a perfectionist by nature. quite cool a combination eh? a perfectionist hu does not haf e least bit of confidence in himself. its quite a lethal combination. yeah n 4 those of u hu still dun believe im a perfectionist, those of u at scf mugging wif mi, i tink it was gab, u rmb when i drew some graph or diagram, i cant rmb, n i tink it was u hu remarked dat e curve was quite nice, u noe how i got to dat consistency? cos ever since we were required to draw curves in sec skool, i've always been e slowest dat doing it, as there will invariably be dis imperfection in e curve, making it not look lyk wad a perfect curve shuld be, i'ld then erase e portion n redraw it. the prob is, the consistency of the line, and the darkness of the pencil marking due to the pressure i exert on the pencil will cause the amended part to stand out. often times i'ld then erase the whole thing and redraw it. im juz dis screwed up perfectionist. dats prob y i can nv except myself. n wads worse was mi havin a bad dae todae where i screwed up my paper, but dats another story.

u noe, rite now, im not tinkin abt rela, or partying or anything. i reali nd gd grades. i juz wanna go to med skool, graduate, become a doc, n help pple. i tink i'll feel contented dat way. dats e onli thing i can tink of dat'll put my weakness, dis strive for perfection to gd use. den i'll join doctors without borders or some other organization n go arnd juz treating illnesses. i tink dat'll be e best thing. but rite now, im damn scared. im damn scared i wun even make it to med skool. im screwed up, im a perfectionist, yet im lazy, i procrastinate...

i reali dunno. dis is str frm my thoughts. im sorry if dis is a mess. im a mess rite now. no wonder my chem teacher told mi to straighten out my lyfe b4 i took e exam. e truth is i could not. its too messed up. im juz damn scared.

i dun wanna live a lyfe without meaning, a meaningless paper chase, chasing after money or anything. or dying and realizing dat im totally worthless, which is wad i feel now. i cant be worthless, it'll be an utter disappointment, to my parents hu pin their hopes on me. if dey were born in dis time period, i swear dey'll def be veh focused n successful. im damn scared.

u noe, all my lyfe, i've felt useless, i dun wanna be dat way, i dun wanna feel dat way anymore. if not, y e hell m i even in existance?

cutefish